The Wisdom of Ana

Every Wednesdays around two in the afternoon, my friend Ana would drop by with coffee. I have learned to hold my need for caffein during these days since i know i'd be treated with one eventually anyway. I have known Ana for a few months now, and I always look forward to our Wednesday rituals together. My very own Wednesdays with Ana! 

Ana is a babysitter extraordinaire; A well-recommended-evolved-version of the 'nanny.' She has been a sitter for quite a while now. She has been with numerous families who kept on passing her within the kin, recommending her to friends and acquiring high profile (rich) clients. We would start our meetings with me watching the current kid(s) while she gets the coffee. We would talk about her then-family and compare them with our lives. 

"The sofa tells me how i would charge them for my services" - Ana

This week's lecture was from a fable she read while keeping one of her kids busy. It was the myth on Camels and how they were created. I listened while she told the story with glee: hands were everywhere, her eyes bulging at every remarkable transformation - i feel lucky that i don't get charged for her storytelling services.

It all started when the Horse, the most prestigious creation Zeus has ever made for the animal kingdom, approached its creator one afternoon. It basically requested for an upgrade. Regardless the fact that it was envied by the rest of the animals, the Horse still wanted more. The Horse being the most loved and celebrated creature envied the Lion's muscles (to defeat predators), it envied the giraffe's long neck (to see over everything else) and it envied the great Bear's warm furry coat. 

"tadah, the Camel!" - Ana

Of course the Horse hated it's could-be-upgrade and settled for its current appearance. Zeus kept the Camel to forever remind the Horse of its once ambitious self-centered greediness. Funny how nowadays it seemed to be the other way around. Camels want to go thru the upgrade and become Horses. Although, in the fable - the Camel probably was happy with its outcome and never really wanted anything else. I don't want to be profound by saying that we are all Horses and Camels, i do admit, though, that I'm mostly the Camel wanting the upgrade. Could Unicorns be the gays - the crossbreed between the two?

"It's normal to be a Horse: wanting change, wanting betterment. It's not bad being the Camel: nonchalant and contended." - Ana

As long as you keep your insecurities to yourself and mind your own business. As long as you don't influence others' feelings and points of view. As long as no one is hurt - you can be the Horse, i really don't care. 

The Law of Diminishing Returns

Although slightly drunk, i thought my conversation with Mira last night was worth every hiccup and headache. i woke up with a smile and a realization that, although regretful in some measurement, i did good: in love, in life and where i am right now. i can't really say i am, what was that Mike? - happy, but i surely can pat my own back and understand that i have grown and i have had a good journey all these years.

The law of diminishing returns states that as equal quantities of one variable are increased, while other factor inputs remain constant, ceteris paribus, a point is reached beyond which the addition of one more unit of the variable factor will result in a diminishing rate of return and the marginal physical product will fall. i have never really enjoyed Economics then, i even had to take the damned course twice, but this particular law does make sense. Now correct me if i am wrong, my understanding is that, the more a person consumes a product, the lesser the satisfaction he gets in return. That probably explains why my emotions were beyond disinterest when i had to take Economics for the second time. 

Reasonably, my points of view are in accordance to my self in general. I may have altered some facts that may give justice to the more profound meaning of the law - i apologize. I am chauvinistic; i magnify life's simplicity, a blind enthusiasm in approaching reality and i am very biased to what would please me. 

It's not a surprise that i am once again single (funny, i was never in a relationship anyway).  i can say that i have honestly surpassed the stage of bitterness and mourning months before i decided to call it quits. i have put my life on hold for a regretful amount of time and i have decided to make changes that are more eventful. Although the law may be forced to explain my decision making, it made me realize what i am worth and what i truly need and want in a partner and a relationship. It may be unfair for me to say that my feelings have expired and/or, as the law would say, there is contrast to the increase that would otherwise be expected - i ask myself, have i simply lost interest? Since emotions are imprecise, i'd like to be categorical by saying I have familiarized myself with what he can produce - i am no longer appeased.

My lead once quoted me during a company meeting while he was addressing the lower constituents, saying "I'd rather that you hate me and become successful." i smiled, he continued "in the future you'd look back and understand why i was mean to you back then." I have reached my Miranda level at work (i have been inspired by amazing people). I may be the most difficult person to work with, what i know for sure is that everything i do has a reason, a purpose and a consequence. I am where i am now because i know my capacity and my weaknesses. The law is best expressed here: I have mastered my skill. I need new challenges. My expectations no longer meet what i am given to work with. My end results have been the same, consistent. Galadriel once said, "I have passed the test, i will diminish and go to the West, and remain Galadriel." My time is now.

Maybe i am using the economic rule to justify the changes that i want to happen in my life? Maybe i am giving reason to a frustration that i can't admit to myself wholeheartedly? Maybe i need reason to back me up? Maybe.  

What i know for sure is that i am determined. Aside for my two week plan that has been slightly discriminated (chot!), i have my yellow brick road commenced. I am ready.

Love, Sex, Magic..

Miss Patel has found Love.

Although it still is early for me to conclude that Love has indeed arrived, nakakatuwang isipin na ang Sweet November curse ng Indian Mermaid ay unti-unti nang kumukupas.. Love truly does move in mysterious ways nga naman sabi nga ng Ekra Dolores Tan. Hindi itu dapat na hinihintay nor hinahanap – kusa itong dumarating parang flash flood ayon sa Gibo Mae Baltazar – siguraduhing makakapit nag hindi masabit.

The Patell has found Love! Nakakatawang realisasyon.. parang kasinungalingang hindi halata. Parang isang kwentong walang halong katotohanan. Parang isa sa mga conference calls ng Gibo Mae Salazar na wala namang naidudulot na maganda – parang pleats, akala mo wala, meron naman pala..

I have found Love.. i have found the needle in the haystack. i found the pea underneath the matresses.. May maganda din naman palang naidudulot ang pagiging sweet and kunwaring innocent. May sarili din naman palang bira ang 'waiting in vain,' and ang forever young na theme song. Love songs has meaning now.. chos!

Nakakatuwang isipin na hindi na kinakailangan pang mag-emote, dahil may-say naman pala to begin with..

arte!!

chos lang Miss G.Mae - labyu

Oijan

Come September of every year, very well-planned na ang persona ko for Halloween. Kebs ang Jezebel kahit during the years na majubiz akez, for Halloween has always been a night to be remembered - cheekah! May i rememeber the first year ditech sa hestados-hunidos where I was forced to dress up against my will - dahil na din sa aking tumataginding na waistline. But since it was tradition - i came up with the best plan ever - instead of being sexy - be scary.

Loss pa angg beauty ko during this time - and since hindi ko pa alam ang mga eksena sa San Francisco - nawala ng milyones times ang majubiz na Medusa! Leche! Nakuha ko pa talagang mag-papichur beside the Christmas Tree!!! punyeta.

The year after that horrific chenes - I told myself, No More I Love Yous.. cheeka! Tama! si Dakota nga yun.. Anyways, I made a pact with myself na bobongga na ever since ang aking Halloween Costumes from now on. Mag-eefort akong manahi, mag-wig and to even put make-up if needed. Here's my only chance to walk around as a woman, not to be hudged by the madlang-people of the world. Leche! But NO! I still didnt have the gutts - so I played it safe and just became Ugly Betty.

The year after.. Nagsimula nang lumagas ang aking mga back-up dancers and sidekicks.. i felt the Earth move under my feet - i came up with an outfit - walang persona - kebz, basat girl ako!

and then this year..

I'm thinking na baka next year kaming apat na ang rarampa with a theme. Like all Beauty Winners maybe? World and Lyka, Universe akez, International ang Ekra and, uhm.. Miss Earth and Mother? Or maaari din naman na Sex and the City ang lokang girls? Wit effort yun, but its worth a try. Keri din na all four ay mga diwata representing Earth, Wind , Fire and Water - four colors, four dresses and four creations. Mega Create your Own Gown ang drama! Let's just see next year. Cheeka

Mad Fairy Tales

I saw him yawn once again..

I looked at him from the other side of the room – watching him, making sure he wont fall and make a mess of himself, once again – while I try to angle myself to hit the 8 ball for the win. He was more red than usual; I guess he held himself better with cocktails than beer. I didn’t get the hole – I went straight to him.

He purred when his chin met my shoulder. He was in a cool place, sitting by the window, away from the overcrowded room’s warmth. He smelled good, clean. I have always admired how he looked – youthful, serene.. Innocent.

He yawned once more.

He had beautiful round eyes that were very expressive; lashes that were too long for his demeanor. He had articulate cheekbones that need no bearing, gentle lips of a pair – plump in the most humble construction – moist and smiley. I smiled, and kissed him on the forehead.

I bid everybody goodbye for both of us. He had good friends who loved him extremely. They seemed happy for him..

I drove us home, had a glass of wine before bed and settled to sleep. He rarely moved – he felt distant. I slowly caressed his lower back, trying to position myself, and him; he never hesitated. I thought I was choking him – I heard a grunt, he was asleep.

Ever since I met him, our nights ended up with long unaffectionate sleeps. Could he not be into me? Could we ever surpass the sweet kissing and hugs, and the sleep? Can we ever explore more than foreplay?

I slept.

I woke up first – he was wrapped like crazy, almost shivering, very cold. I wrapped my extra arm around him – he whispered something foreign, I smiled – he peeped with one eye – I thought id say something, but thought better not to. I kissed his forehead and he smiled. He loved mornings – he always felt poetic seeing the sun shine through his only window. He gave me a hug.

He yawned still.

I tried to make my move – I flowered him with kisses and touched him passionately. He felt my urge and played accordingly. We were moving as if we were synchronized. I sensed awkwardness, he wasn’t certain – I’m dancing by myself now.

He paused. He lay back down. He frowned. He apologized. I stared at him in disbelief. He closed his eyes. I felt pity, anger.. frustration. He was unexplainable. I tried rationalizing. He felt definite. I jerked off. He watched. I stood up. He went upstairs.

I went home.

Between The Lines

He cut his finger today..
He held back; ignored the pain and moved on. He’s tough in so many ways – he’s been hated like that, but that’s what made him stronger, unique. He’s never really been the easiest person to deal with – he had his conduct – pushy, anxious and extreme – weird, temperamental.. zealous.
He took care of his finger..
Still expressing no emotions; minding his own business. He made me smile – he didn’t notice. I have been staring at him a lot today – I have been staring at him ever since I’ve seen him first. He’s pleasant, though grumpy most of the time. He’s easy to look at: calm, collected – though with the hint of anger and frustration. I feel him.
I sense pain. The finger must’ve hurt.
He won’t stop caressing his finger. I stand across him, at least nine people apart every day. He knows where I locate myself – but he never really considered looking. I’m staring again.

He exuberates charm.. enthusiasm – he discerns less. He moves in fluidity, always exact – always detailed. He moves in purpose, always related.. always well-thought.

He contradicts himself in so many ways. He refuses to believe in his rationale, his function. He admits his weaknesses, which seemed to be his strengths. He disagrees with himself – he’s unhappy like that. He’s never contented.

I’m staring at him. He makes me smile. He keeps me moving. I slow him down.

He cut his finger today.
I pity that no one cared.
I care.

He has always lived within his little perimeter. An imaginary circled circumference locking him away from everybody else’s vigor. He absorbs animosity; he never unconfined. He kept things to himself.

He kept me staring. He had his show. He had me entertained.

It’s funny how people despised him for what they don’t comprehend. He’s playing a role – he acts as if on cue. He’s not his prima facie. He’s less than the antagonist we have grown to abhor. He’s dissimilar, exclusive.. arcane.

I had a chance to break part of his barrier before. He accepted my nonchalance. I slipped – wrong move. I frustrate myself believing my chance has already blundered. I took advantage.

His finger throbs.
I want to be there – he’s already locked me out.
He’s back in his fringe.

I stare, unable to control myself.. disbelieving the fact that I cant diffuse.

“Leave unsaid, unspoken
Eyes wide shut, unopened..
You and Me,
Always Between the Lines..”

Beautiful Liar II - with Video pa!

Isang fan ang natuwa at talaga namang vinideo ang aking performance. Hindi naman mashadong winner ang quality ng film ngunit winner na din. May kasabihan nga.. Sino ba naman ako para tumanggi sa kaning latik. So heto! Sana maintindihan ninyo ang palabas..

Favorite ko so far ang clip number three. Matindi itu! Nacapture ang transition from one costume to another. Mashado kong minahal ang fan for being able to get this! Daig pa ang tindi ng Watusi!!

Watch nalang kayo mga ineng. Feel free to comment. Disclaimer: Some of the clips don't have good audio quality. Wala akong magagawa - at wala din kayong magagawa. Mabuhay tayo!